Nighttime Shuffle

Ronan goes down for bed.

Goes to the kitchen to clean up until he falls asleep.

After he’s asleep, showers.

Rewards herself by sitting down for 5 minutes of internet surfing before promising to work on laundry.

20 minutes later thinks, “Well, at least I could pump while I’m on my computer.”

Pumps for 20 minutes, still surfing internet.

Thinks a few times, “Maybe I should do some of the work I need to do like writing contracts, blog posts, or proposals for clients.”

Goes back to Facebook.

Pumping ends, brings pumping stuff to kitchen.

“Ok, now I’ll work on laundry.”

“But first I need to see how my post is doing on Facebook.”

Opens computer.

Continues to surf the internet. Mostly refreshing Facebook.

30 minutes later, “I should fold the laundry.”

Immediately goes back to computer.

20 minutes later, “Phew! It’s bedtime. I’ll get the laundry tomorrow.”

Brushes teeth.

Gets in bed.

“I should go to bed earlier tomorrow.”

“I should have folded the laundry.”

“I should have done something production on my computer.”

Reads for 2 minutes.

Passes the fuck out.

 

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A couple-a questions

A Facebook friend posted these in honor of Valentine’s Day. I love talking about Andy and our relationship and our family, so any excuse to talk more about it, I’ll take.

Who’s older? Andy, by 15 1/2 years.
How long have you been together? 8 years on March 1st.
Who was interested first? I think it was pretty mutual. We warmed up to each other at the same pace, but once we were official we fell hard.
More sarcastic? Both of us. It’s one of our many compatible qualities.
Who makes the most mess? Both of us…he leaves more laying around, but when I make a mess I make a MESS.
Who has more tattoos? Me. I have one to his zero.
Who’s the better singer? Me. Though he makes it funnier.
Hogs the remote? Neither of us.
Better driver? He drives us around more. I think we’re both good drivers.
Spends the most money? Me. I buy all the necessities, pay the bills, etc, and make sure we get the occasional fancy coffee and clean clothes.
Smarter? Me on humans and their behavior. Him on everything else.
Whose siblings do you see the most? His. Though mine live 3000 miles away. I have a feeling if my brother lived closer we’d see him, his wife, and his daughter a whole bunch more.
Do you have any children together? Yes! Perfect little Nugget.
Did you go to the same school? Nope.
Who is the most sensitive? I am sensitive about a lot of things. When you hit his threshold on the few things he takes personally, it’s pretty intense.
Where do you eat out most as a couple? Burger places: Red Robin, The Ram, Elliot Bay Brewhouse. Also we enjoy a good fancy coffee and pastry.
Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Austria.
Who has the worst temper? I slowly simmer about more. He’s explosive about less.
Who does the cooking? Me. Man has no sense of smell, but he makes a mean scrambled egg.
Who is more social? Me. Though he sees his friends every day at work so work is like social time.
Who is the neat freak? Me. We both like a clean house but since I work from home and stay at home with Nugget, I want it more clean.
Who is the most stubborn? Him. We had a whole pre-baby conversation where he admitted to his intense stubbornness. Though if I present a pragmatic, fact-based argument, I can sway him. It’s like being in debate club, but it keeps me checking to make sure, A. it’s a fight I want to have and, B. I actually have good reasons.
Who hogs the bed? Neither. It’s why we got a big bed and separate comforters.
Who wakes up earlier? Me always. Pre-baby, post-baby, I’ve always gotten up earlier.
Where was your first date? Officially? His apartment.
Who has the bigger family? Our immediate families were the same size, but now his family is bigger due to divorce/remarriage/step-siblings/nieces and nephews.
Who does the laundry? Me mostly.
Who’s better with the computer? Him. I mean I can type and deal with HTML, but he knows his way around electronics better than almost anyone I know.
Who drives when you are together? Him. I love it when he drives and so does he.
Who picks where you go to dinner? I usually offer suggestions and he picks. Sometimes my suggestion list only includes one place.
Who wears the pants in the relationship? Both for different things. Though I resent the premise of this question.
Who eats more sweets? Me while I’m breastfeeding. We both have pretty raging sweet tooths and giving each other treats is one of the main ways we show love!

Sunday Fun 2.12.17

Things that I was into this week!

Fun gifts for your feminist friend/girlfriend/wife.

This article has all sorts of resources about the general approach I am taking to food now.

“…it is very convenient for us.” I am dying.

How I respond to people who talk to me in a crowded party when I can’t hear them.

Great. Because regular alligators weren’t creepy enough.

Literally Just 100 Funny Tweets That Sum Up Parenting

This Baby Will Win Your Heart With Her Cute Transformations

How to create community in 793 easy steps

In the last couple of weeks I’ve realized how much I need to be around people every day. I’m by no means an extrovert, but I didn’t realize how much of a social creature I am.

This depressive episode made it very clear that time I spend alone is not helpful. I started reaching out to new people to try and build some more community so I had lots of options if I needed a sudden infusion of support.

  1. PEPS– I joined my local PEPS group in August after a fellow mom did her due diligence to get one started. There are 9 of us in the group with babies who were born between mid-May and early August. For 12 weeks we met every Tuesday from 1030a-1230p. Our babies started out as lumps and now have teeth, sit up, crawl, babble, and have personalities. This group saved me. After my husband, they were the first ones I told about my PPD diagnosis. I still see a few of them every week on Tuesday mornings. One key piece to helping us gel was a Facebook group I started for us within the first couple of weeks. It started slowly, with people asking for clear advice, making recommendations, or trying to arrange playdates. Now, we post about lots of things. After I was fired, I told my staff about what happened and then I told my PEPS group (my husband was in the room when it happened, so he already knew). I knew kids caused a lot of camaraderie, but I didn’t really get it until this group. We all have different approaches to life and work and family, but we are all bound by a similar need to do what is best for our children and are sometimes at a total loss for what that looks like. I think all of us have cried at this point and we have all shared food, the two things I think bind humans the quickest. Without my PEPS ladies, I would be in much worse shape.
  2. Online Book Clubs– After President Obama had an interview in the NY Times about the books he read while in office, I put a call out on Facebook asking if anyone else wanted to read them with me. Almost 30 people joined and we are reading one book every two months with discussion online about what we have read. I also joined a book club aimed at literature about intersectional feminism. This one is largely going to be in-person or call in for those of us who aren’t local, but whether I get to participate in the actual discussion or not, reading intersectional feminist literature and non-fiction sounds wonderful. I also joined the local moms book club, which mostly focuses on fiction. This group also meets in person and though I can never make the meeting times (they’re always on Friday nights), I still read the books along with the group. I’m also constantly reviewing my reading list from graduate school and taking on books my fellow graduates reading. So at any given time I’m reading up to 4 books, but since they are all for different purposes it’s easy to keep track of their plots or central messages without confusion.
  3. Stroller Strides– This group is still newish to me. I go to a Stroller Strides class 1-3 times a week and am still figuring out how I fit into this larger group. Most of the parents have kids who are toddlers or preschoolers and class always falls right during nap time, so I don’t really stick around much after class is over to socialize. That said, the day of the inauguration we did a Michelle Obama inspired workout and when I started tearing up over the loss of the Obamas I was encouraged to “let it out.” I also told them about my termination and I get asked every class about the state of my employment.
  4. Witchy women in general– I have gotten really close with a lot of what I call “witchy women.” These are the women who are deeply affected by and in tune with the world around them. Most of them are in disparate social circles, but on the day of the Womxn’s March, they were all out protesting or actively tracking in and talking about it on social media. Some I see very regularly in person, and some I only communicate with via Facebook. Either way the energy of the feminine is strong in this group and shows up in many different areas of communication and community.
  5. My consulting collective– After graduate school, one of my teachers started a group where graduates could come together to figure out how to spread our skills more broadly. We meet once a month and talk about everything from very in-depth case studies to new theories to social problems and how to address them. I’ve had some very challenging conversations with this group on a personal level and some very fruitful ones. I get to bring the nugget with me and he is passed around from person to person so I can get a break and he can be held by people who already adore him.

In order to get community going, I’ve found that we obviously need a common call to action, but the follow up after forming the initial group is what’s hard. Online, I have to post comments and questions regularly to get the lurkers to come out and engage. In person, I often throw out initial instances of vulnerability to break the ice. I’m sure if I didn’t, someone else would, but I’m usually game to cast the first line.

What makes it hard and why some of them peter out is that this needs to happen over and over and over again. Groups I have been a part of where I wasn’t actively cultivating them have fallen by the wayside despite everyone’s good intentions. There are some people who propose that a group needs a certain number of people to keep it going. I have seen groups of hundreds stagnate because the moderator and/or creator didn’t give it enough juice from day to day.

I have a new group for mompreneurs and work from home moms I started. There are about 50 of us and this one is having a harder time getting going. I think I need to ask some different questions, but I haven’t quite cracked the code on this one yet. In any case, some more attention and effort and I think it will be awesome. Mompreneurs and work from home moms spend a LOT of time on the computer, so I know other group members will be more engaged soon.

 

Our adventures with Croup

The Willhelms have had it rough for the last month. Right around the time I got fired,  Andy had his first Crohn’s flare in 8 years plus a ridiculously aggressive cold. I was down mentally and he was down physically. We tag-teamed on the whole parenting thing and it became even more clear just what an amazing baby we have. He was smiley and happy, relatively clear with his needs, totally willing to bounce in his Jumperoo while Mommy and Papa tended to our own hurts.

Then on Wednesday morning the little nugget woke up crying. Normally, he greets the day with a few coos and will spend the first 20-30 minutes of the day talking to himself in his crib while I pump, so a crying babe was really unusual.

The day before before he hadn’t eaten nearly as much as he normally does, so I thought he was hungry. I went into his room and poor guy was completely stuffed up and his little cry was hoarse. I brought him into bed with me hoping the elevation on my arm would help him sleep. He fell back asleep for a hot second, but then when Andy was getting ready for the day, the movement woke him up and he started crying his hoarse cry all over again. I called the consulting nurse line for his pediatrician and she listened to him over the phone and said that it sounded like croup. Sure enough, the characteristic barking cough started about an hour after that.

Croup is a viral infection of the upper respiratory system and specifically hits the area around the pharynx, often swelling the vocal chords, which is why babies’ cough sounds like barking. This also usually comes with a fever or runny nose and the only thing you can really do is wait it out. To help relax the airways, the traditional treatment is to go into a steamy bathroom and just hold your babe while they breathe the air. Some doctors will suggest going outside in cold weather since the temperature reduces the swelling. If it gets really bad, you can get steroids to help reduce inflammation, but typically you just wait it out like a cold. We were told to look out for “oxygen starvation.” This is when a baby has a very hard time breathing and starts to have very low levels of oxygen in their blood. Signs that he was experiencing oxygen starvation would have been flaring of the nostrils, sucking in around the ribs, and his lips or nail beds turning blue. Fortunately, we haven’t seen any of those signs, just lots of snot and coughing.

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(We got rid of his swing just last week, so this was our makeshift snuggle nook to keep him elevated and comfortable.)

Andy decided to stay home on Wednesday, which was great since it was just like the early days again. The nugget would eat very little, 2-3 ounces of breast milk at a time, and then sleep for 20-30 minutes. He got one, 60 minute nap in, but otherwise would wake up enough to eat a bit and then cry and then fall back asleep. Andy and I each were in the bathroom with the shower running on hot, trying to help his breathing.

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It never got scary enough that we had to take him to the hospital. We just had a very unhappy baby on our hands. He went down fine at bed time with the help of some Tylenol and managed to stay asleep for the most part. No middle of the night wakings for us. **Fingers crossed**

Thursday morning we had an appointment with Ronan’s pediatrician just to double check that he was doing ok. He didn’t have a fever and after a thorough listen to his lungs and a check in his ears, she said to just keep doing what we’re doing. Apparently the little guy’s weakened immune system can mean that another bug comes on the heels of the croup, so she said to keep an eye out for new symptoms that could indicate something else creeping in.

Andy went to work that day for a bit and came home early to help me. Ronan was doing a little better, but it was so helpful to have another set of hands to pass him off to. Like the early days, I couldn’t really get anything done, including making food or using the bathroom. Since we had both of us home for the first 10 weeks, we never had much of the experience of not showering, etc. We would just pass him back and forth while each of us tended to our various bodily functions. We were also zombies because of the lack of sleep, but at least I could pee without a lot of problems.

Friday was a little tougher. Andy was at work all day and Ronan seemed to take a little dip down. Still no fever, but recovery from croup, we were told, isn’t really linear but instead has some valleys along the way. Oof. I kept Ronan home from Grandparent daycare and we met a good friend to go for a walk, hoping the cold air would help him breathe easier. Unfortunately, it started to rain just as we arrived, so we holed up in Starbucks until Nugget was done with all the stimulus and drove home. It got us out of the house for a hot minute, which was nice.

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He was like this for all of 20 minutes in the morning for a little photo shoot. The rest of the day the smiles were few and far between.

Today, Saturday, I’m writing this on my computer in the parking lot of a local state park. Ronan slept a solid 12 hours last night (normally he does about 10 1/2), but was having a very hard time going down for a nap, despite falling asleep on me for a few minutes at a time. So I loaded us up into the car and used the 20 minute drive to knock him out. Now we’re partying in the car, him in the back sleeping, me in the front, journaling, typing, working on proposals…ok, really scrolling through Facebook a lot. I have ambitions to go grocery shopping, but you can be damn sure I’m not waking this sleeping baby a minute before he wants to.